I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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