does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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