got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
