Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
