dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
