tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
