I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
