and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
