it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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