do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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