fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
