two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
