I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
