I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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