You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
