My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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