Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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