so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
