I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize