Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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