i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what day is it and did you see me today?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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