Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
