Only a mothe r could love this liver
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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