I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
