It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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