i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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