What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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