So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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