She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
