Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
