morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
