i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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