theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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