He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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