everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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