Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
