girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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