I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
