Four minutes until I can fart!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
