we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
