thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
