I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
