My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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