HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
