i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
