Your mouth is God's brothel.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
