I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
