Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
