he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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