I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i dont even know how to be here
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
