i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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