How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
