When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
