my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
